I went into what should have been a normal 16-week ultrasound for our very first little bundle of joy. I came out that day with my life forever altered when they couldn't find a heartbeat. I still remember clearly the pain and heartache of that time...I felt so sad and hopeless. Jason and I not only lost our little baby boy, but we also mourned the loss of all the dreams, hopes and aspirations that come when you find out that you're expecting.
I still think about that little baby. Sometimes when I see a little boy who was born around June of 2005, I wonder what might have been. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have had our oldest, our first-born child be a boy. Sometimes I even wonder if the little boy who entered our lives and hearts almost exactly three years after our first little boy was to have been born is not one and the same. But mostly today I just feel very lucky...lucky to have two beautiful children to hug, kiss and love on as much as I want. Each day that I have to spend with them is a gift. And no matter how boring, challenging, and exhausting motherhood can be at times, I am forever grateful to be called their mom.
My feelings today echo a country song that I like (I'm not usually too crazy about country music, but I do like a little here and there.) The song is "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. It talks about how sometimes we would like to give up all the heartache, sadness, and disappointments in life, but if we did, we would also have to give up all the blessings, miracles, and joy that sometimes come from these disappointments.
Five years ago, I would have given just about anything to have held that little baby in my arms rather than bury him in the ground on that cold January day. Five years later though, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing because I couldn't imagine my life without these two little wonderful people...
"I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance."
5 comments:
I'm so sorry for that loss. I think that the 16 week appt is the worst because you have no idea what to expect. No longer sick, and not feeling the baby yet, you just would have no idea if something were wrong (I go in for mine tomorrow...)
And if you are ever really that curious about what it would be like, you can borrow Nate. He was born in June 05.
You are blessed to have two beautiful healthy children. I'll be thinking of you today.
What a beautiful, uplifting way to think of your experiences--both the wonderful and the tough!
I truly identified with your touching feelings. It was beautifully written! I remembered the pain of losing babies and not understanding why?
What joy Abby and Landon are to our family. We are all so grateful for them. You are such a great Mom and those spirits that are waiting to come into your lives are very blessed. Love you....Mom
I knew you had lost a baby but I didn't know you were 16 weeks along. Sorry for you loss.
I still remember putting together your surprise baby shower when you were close to being due with Abby. I have planned many baby showers but planning that one really was the most fun out of them all. I am glad we were able to have babies close together and were able to have our little playgroup. That was so much fun. I am glad that you have two healthy, beautiful children that you get to take care of.
I also didn't realize you were 16 weeks along. Those are the worst because you are past your first trimester so you assume it will be okay. And then, you know what sex the baby was. I think that Abby and Landon are SO cute and that one day you'll get to raise your other boy in the celestial kingdom. I love you Dadra and am sorry you had to go through that loss. I am grateful you are able to remember 5 years ago while looking at two healthy children.
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