I went into what should have been a normal 16-week ultrasound for our very first little bundle of joy. I came out that day with my life forever altered when they couldn't find a heartbeat. I still remember clearly the pain and heartache of that time...I felt so sad and hopeless. Jason and I not only lost our little baby boy, but we also mourned the loss of all the dreams, hopes and aspirations that come when you find out that you're expecting.
I still think about that little baby. Sometimes when I see a little boy who was born around June of 2005, I wonder what might have been. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have had our oldest, our first-born child be a boy. Sometimes I even wonder if the little boy who entered our lives and hearts almost exactly three years after our first little boy was to have been born is not one and the same. But mostly today I just feel very lucky...lucky to have two beautiful children to hug, kiss and love on as much as I want. Each day that I have to spend with them is a gift. And no matter how boring, challenging, and exhausting motherhood can be at times, I am forever grateful to be called their mom.
My feelings today echo a country song that I like (I'm not usually too crazy about country music, but I do like a little here and there.) The song is "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. It talks about how sometimes we would like to give up all the heartache, sadness, and disappointments in life, but if we did, we would also have to give up all the blessings, miracles, and joy that sometimes come from these disappointments.
Five years ago, I would have given just about anything to have held that little baby in my arms rather than bury him in the ground on that cold January day. Five years later though, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing because I couldn't imagine my life without these two little wonderful people...
"I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance."